For months I have been surprised by my ease in letting things go. I thought it was maturity that allowed me to turn the other cheek in, almost, every difficult situation.
Then, I realized that was not it at all. The experience of losing my daughter tortured my heart, soul and spirit. It broke me.
I was surviving but not fully functioning. There was no spirited Kelly left in me, no fire, no true passion for what I believed in.
Every functioning part of me succumbed to the torture that I endured having lost the most precious gift this life gave me. Somehow, my brain allowed me to physically survive this torture.
I knew the scars would forever run deep into my heart and my soul. But, it was in discovering my newly faded spirit that I realized how hideous these scars truly were and how important it would be to enable these scars to expand, rather than constrict, every inch of length they ran through the tortured parts of my being.
Physical wounds require continuous, superior tending, from the onset, in order for the scars to heal in a way that does not limit physical abilities. My scars are not physical; but, I believe the same principle applies. I do not want my scars to limit me. I need to tend to the wounds before the scars are set in their ways and put continual stress on every facet of my being.
I need not only to survive, but to function in this life. And, if I am going to function, I choose it to be at the highest level possible. The highest level can only be attained by maximizing my capacity for healing and turning my wounds into pliable scars that will expand my being so that I can be open to all that this life has to offer.
As I go forward in this journey, I am willing Strength to join me and travel at my side, helping me to make decisions about when to let go and when to fight. I also will Courage to join me, helping me to act on the decisions I choose. Lastly, I will Faith to stand with me at every turn, helping me to believe in the decisions I make and the actions I take.
Having Strength, Courage and Faith along in this journey, I know I will succeed in raising my spirit from the ashes. I will find a way back to my authentic self, embrace the future meant for me and, when the day comes, I will be worthy to spend eternity with my beloved child.
I am not alone. My child’s energy is always present. Our love was, is and will always be what keeps me motivated.