Oh sweetest girl in the world! I miss you more than words could ever describe. My heart is broken into a million pieces. And I fear there is no glue that could put it back together again.
From the moment you entered this world you changed my life in ways that I could have never anticipated. You made me, an ordinary woman, into an extraordinary person, you made me a Mother. Not just any mother, but your mother. And I was privileged to have had that role in this crazy life.
Before you were born, I was nothing compared to what I was after you were born. In fact, I barely remember life before you. You redefined my views of success, wealth and life in general.
Because of you I experienced joy in the most pure form. Because of you I experienced love that could move mountains. Because of you I learned to live without reservation, without looking too far ahead or behind. Because of you my other relationships are so much deeper and more meaningful. Because of you my heart grew exponentially. Because of you my world became brighter than the sun. Because of you I learned to set aside lofty dreams and embrace the true beauty of the moments as I lived them. Because of you I became a better version of myself.
Every morning you lit up my world, like a star that I could reach out and touch in all of it’s beauty and glimmer. Every giggle, every smile, every loving gaze from you to me etched a memory in my heart that time will not fade.
When you were just a tiny baby and every moment forward, I held you so tightly, for fear that I might lose you. I soaked up your smell, your sweetness and your warmth constantly. I snuggled you close so the forces of the outside world could never touch us, well aware they desperately wanted to.
Being a Mom is not easy. Being your Mom was even more difficult than most. Often times I spoke to God and told Him that he made a mistake. I told him that I was not strong enough or good enough to have been entrusted to care for such a precious creature. I told him I was highly unqualified for this role. It was never, ever that I didn’t want to be your mom, because I loved being your mom. But, I was worried that you didn’t get what you deserved and needed for a mother because you got me. It did not matter what people said to me, I still felt that I wasn’t good enough. And then, I realized, I was right, I wasn’t good enough before you. But, you made me good enough. You are the reason I became a great mom.
Not only did I love you, but I fell madly and hopelessly in love with you, more and more each day. Four years we spent together. Hardly apart. I cringed when you had to leave my care to go to school. But you lit up like a Christmas tree when we got to school and I learned to let go enough to let you grow and experience the things life had to offer. I rarely ever left you in the care of another, because I missed your sweet face so much, and I also didn’t think anyone could care for you the way I could. How far I had come in the belief of my abilities being your mom!
You were hospitalized often. You were so complex, not often sick, but your little body was complicated and the doctors were so often stumped and surprised by you. Your Daddy and I spent many nights with you at your hospital bedside. You were the most precious part of our world and we were all in. We brought all your pretty clothes, shoes and hair bows to the hospital so you could stay stylish. We brought as many toys and physical therapy tools as your hospital room could fit. Mommy and Daddy diligently worked out with you, hospitalized or not. We would not let you down. When you lived in the hospital, Mommy lived in the hospital too. Daddy lived in the hospital and at work. We did this willingly, we would not have been anywhere else but by your side. We were a little family, a team.
After four precious years, we had to let you go. The hardest thing we ever had to do. It was not planned, it was no expected, at least, not by anyone here on earth. I always said we lived life and death each day. We never knew if we would get to keep you for tomorrow. But, now I realize those were just words. I said them, they were true, but I never truly expected them to happen. We always beat the odds. YOU always beat the odds. We won every battle. Every. Single. One. I guess, by loving you so much and living the fullest life we could with you, we “forgot” about the negative possibilities life could bring.
This life was amazing. I experienced the best parts of being a parent because I experienced the hardest parts of being a parent. You were my world. You were the most beautiful child I had ever seen. You had the ability to look deep into a person’s soul and retrieve her heart and hold it in the palm of your sweet little hands. Hardly a person you met didn’t experience that effect!
You were an angel on this Earth. I knew it from the moment you were born. Your name sign was the ASL sign for “angel” but using ASL “D” hands. You were given that name sign at about 5 months old. Your 1st birthday party was an angel theme. We knew you were an angel. We just forgot angels don’t get to stay on Earth for long, they belong in Heaven. And that is where I speak to you now. I believe that love transcends worlds, planes of existence. So, I send these words on the wings of love so that you receive them and know what is in my heart now.
You were loved beyond measure. You will be loved through eternity. Love is so strong. Love will always connect us, even between Heaven and Earth. I do not know how to live in this world without you here. But, I know I need to try, for you, because you tried to stay as long as God would allow. And I know that may not have been easy. I am grateful for every moment we had with you. I am grateful for the person I am because of you.
Oh, Delainie, my sweet girl, Daddy and I are having a hard time without you. Once you know how amazing life can be, you can’t go back to the way it was. We know the life we lived with you was perfect and we know that we did the very best we could. Sometimes, we feel like we let you down, like we missed something we should have known to keep you with us. We rewind the story of our summer and we replay it in many different ways, wondering if one of the ways would have resulted in you still being here. But, then we remember, you were an Angel on Earth, your time here was not meant to be long. We tried to make it as long as possible, we got four years when others said we would be lucky to get six months.
We know that we have to move forward. But we move forward each day with hopes of living a good life so that at the end of our days we can reunite with you. In the meantime, we will not stop loving you and we will not stop loving each other. A day will not go by where I will not wish you were here, in my arms, holding my hand, giving me kisses, reading books… Just as my world changed when you came into it, so it has with you leaving it. But, you made me a better person for life, not just four years. And that person will navigate this life with pain and joy at the helm. In time, I think the pain will make way for the joy to lead this journey.
Eternally grateful for you,
Your Loving Mother