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Four years ago I assumed a new identity. The identity of Kelly happily stepped aside and a new identity slid into place, the identity of Mother.

Not just any mother. Delainie’s Mother.

After a while, the two identities merged a bit. At some point I became, Kelly, Delainie’s Mom.

I considered that to be a monumental success for a journey of self. I felt that I had successfully morphed together the old and new into one fairly satisfying rendition of ME.

I was pleased with my life, with myself, with motherhood. I was infinitely happy and infinitely loved.

It was a busy, tumultuous, hectic, frustrating, rewarding and fantastically amazing four years. Four years I wouldn’t give back for the world. Four years I wish I could replay over and over again every day of my life.

Four years ago not only was an angelic being born into this world, but a devoted and loving mother was born that day as well.

Four years later, an angelic being was lifted up to heaven, and I, her devoted and loving mother, was left behind.

I was left behind, but not without.

The four years along the journey as, Kelly, Delainie’s Mom, life unfolded in such a way that all was set in motion for the day, that day where I would be left behind. And I had no idea until now.

Love was paramount for four years. The most serendipitous friendships were revealed and nurtured during those four years. My marriage strengthened through life challenges never anticipated, because we had pure joy and love in our midst. A perfect nexus of family and friends slowly evolved around our locale. Beautiful memories were made, pictures taken and moments seized. We shared our joy and love with everyone, even strangers.

We lived. While we lived, unbeknownst to us, likely the plan of a divine intervention, every thing was set in motion, every tool readied to be at my disposal for when I was to be left behind.

For four beautiful, amazing and joyful years, we lived life to the fullest, regardless of the path in front of us being rocky or smooth. Neither of them impeded our will nor our desire to live this life to the very best of our ability.

And that is what I am left with, among other things, after being left behind. Which is pretty freaking good. It makes being left behind a bit more manageable.

So, in time, this version of myself will do some more morphing. My wispy version of self in Kelly, changed four years ago when it made way for a much heartier version of self in Kelly, Delainie’s Mom.

I will always be, Kelly, Delainie’s Mom. Nothing will take that away. But what I do expect is to become Kelly, Delainie’s Mom, and much more, as I continue this journey.

What is ahead for me? I do not know for sure. What I do know is that I miss my angel more than words could ever begin to describe. My heart is broken into a million pieces. I need work. I need love. I need sustenance. I need time. But, I will evolve and carry on in this journey.

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