The sun was shining, sky was blue, clouds were fluffy and Delainie and I were jamming to some pop radio station as we drove home from Grammy and Pop-Pops. Okay, I was singing at the top of my lungs and thinking that Delainie was probably lucky to be hearing impaired, my singing is terrible!
As we headed down the road I got to thinking how much my life has changed since Delainie came into it. I drove and jammed to the radio, Delainie napped and I had some time to reflect. It is so true that life is not about the rat race and making tons of money; it’s not about doing more than another; it’s not about being a huge success or winning big. It’s about being happy where you are and savoring the moments along the way to where you want to go; it’s about doing the best you can, celebrating small victories and moving forward after disappointing defeats.
I sat in the driver’s seat with my hands on the wheel (of course they were) and looked back on the last two years. I left the rat race; I do what I can though it may not be as much as others; I have no idea what success is anymore and I win at very little because I hardly play. I am happy in the face of constant challenges and lots of unknowns; I want to grow and move forward in life and I appreciate that where I am now will help pave the way; so, I intend to enjoy every stone I lay along this path. I celebrate the small victories because they are BIG to me but I need some work on letting go of the defeats.
I took some time to recognize that driving three and a half hours with Delainie as my only companion was a huge gain! There was a time when I was fearful to be home alone with her in the event she had a seizure, stopped breathing and I couldn’t save her. Driving to CVS with O2 and her monitor caused me anxiety and it’s only a mile from home! Her life clung desperately to a thread right before my eyes on numerous occasions and I had a lot of fears and flashbacks that paralyzed me. Thankfully, I moved forward and started doing things that empowered me and brought a sense of liberation. Going to my parents house alone with Delainie, took every ounce of strength I had. Now, it’s become a regular trip and we are so thankful to have come so far! I know we can get through anything.
Though our visits to the grandparents house are fun, we go so often because we have so many appointments in Philly. The opportunity to visit them is the silver lining to the fact that we see about 8 different specialists in Philly. We have to trek into the city, park and navigate through the hospital to our appointments, wait for a LONG time and then head back. The good part, is being with my Mom and/or Dad or Aunt when I hear the tough stuff from the docs, sometimes it’s emotionally overwhelming and their presence is comforting. The best parts are having the time to take Delainie to the store to do shopping with her Gram and watching her as she gets her first car/cart ride, watching her snatch the glasses right off her Gram’s surprised face and seeing her Pop-Pop push her in her Minnie Mouse car while she takes in the sights. Thank God for the silver lining!
Part of the silver lining I appreciated today was a simple moment. Ready for it? Okay, I absolutely love smelling the coffee brewing in the morning. I sat in the bed this morning, quietly snuggled into the covers and listened to my parents playing with Delainie and the sound of the news in the background. I watched the sun dribble through the windows and smelled that delicious brew of coffee in the air. I stayed there a moment longer and soaked it all in. Life is full of moments like these and we so infrequently take time to enjoy them.
Having Delainie in my life has helped to remind me how important those moments are. I shudder to think of how many moments I would go on missing if she never blessed our lives. I was so caught up in life that I was not really taking as much time as I should have to LIVE it. I have few regrets in life. Now, that in NO WAY means I have not made mistakes, but I take them as reminders. The mistakes I have made, and they are many, create the person I am; they bind the stones along the path that I travel on and they have taught me valuable lessons. I can look at things with a different perspective now, everything in the past has helped to create this beautiful present.
My dreams and aspirations have changed. In fact, I cannot really remember what they once were, it’s a dim impression on my memory. Now, though, I hope to miss less of the simple moments that should be wholeheartedly enjoyed. I hope that I will find wisdom and guidance as I navigate through the journey. I hope to find support and healing for the times I falter along the way. I ask God to hear the prayers in my heart rather than asking for fulfillment of specific wants and desires. I will practice patience and understanding as a continuous effort. I will love unabashedly and speak my own truth not the truth others expect to hear.
I will pursue happiness knowing that happiness is in the pursuit itself.